Why Knowing What to Do Isn't Always Enough to Change What You Do

Most of us have experienced the strange gap between knowing and doing.

You know the conversation needs to happen.

You know you need to set the boundary.

You know you should stop second guessing yourself.

You know delegating would make your workload more manageable.

You know you don't want to react that way again.

And yet, when the moment arrives, you find yourself doing exactly what you said you wouldn't.

It can be frustrating because we often assume that once we understand something intellectually, our behaviour should follow.

But knowing better doesn't always mean we're able to do differently.

Insight and behaviour aren't the same thing

Imagine you've been avoiding a difficult conversation.

You can write down exactly what you want to say.

You can understand why the conversation matters.

You can practise it.

You can even give somebody else excellent advice about how they should handle the same situation.

Then the person walks into the room.

Suddenly, the situation isn't theoretical anymore.

You notice the tension.

You anticipate how they might respond.

You don't want to upset them.

You start questioning whether now is the right time.

So you soften the message or decide you'll bring it up later.

The strategy hasn't disappeared.

Something else has become more influential in the moment.

That's the gap I'm interested in.

What gets in the way when it matters?

When a response keeps happening despite our best intentions, telling ourselves what we should do can simply add another layer of frustration.

Instead, we can become curious.

What changes when this situation becomes real?

What do I anticipate might happen?

What am I trying to prevent?

What am I making this situation mean?

What feels at risk if I respond differently?

Sometimes the answer is obvious.

Sometimes the behaviour we first wanted to change leads us somewhere completely different.

That's why I don't assume the behaviour someone arrives wanting to change is necessarily the problem we need to solve.

The behaviour we can see isn't always the thing that needs changing.

Creating more choice

The goal isn't to eliminate every automatic response.

We all have them.

It's to develop enough awareness that we can notice what's happening and have more choice about what comes next.

The difficult conversation can still feel uncomfortable and you can have it.

The decision can still involve uncertainty and you can make it.

Someone can be disappointed with your boundary and you can maintain it.

You can feel pressure without allowing pressure to choose your response for you.

That's a very different kind of change from simply learning another strategy.

Because eventually the question moves from:

What should I do?

to:

What's getting in the way of me doing what I already know I want to do?

And that can be a much more useful place to start.